just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
