Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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