It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
