Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize