my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
