he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
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