So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
