he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
