In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
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