people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
