you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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