my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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