I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Girls should come with a carfax report
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
