I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
