He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
