She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
