i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
