@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
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