So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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