The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
