she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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