Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Randomize
