standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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