you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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