Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
