textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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