whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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