my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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