The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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