it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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