When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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