if you like me you must not know who I am
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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