Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
