Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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