I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
cat food counts as protein by the way
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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