Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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