I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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