I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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