why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
