I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
