I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
