I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
