dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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