She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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