I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
