I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize