Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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