Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i think my tv is drunk
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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