I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
