So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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