just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
