he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
