she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
