It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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