You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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