Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
