I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
