I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
