Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
