i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
