I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
