I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
cat food counts as protein by the way
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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